Judge John Hodgman on the Uncapped Water Bottle

Sasha writes: My partner, Emily, has a tall, narrow water bottle that she insists on keeping uncapped. She also leaves it in random places around the kitchen. I’m a somewhat clumsy fellow and am always knocking it over, spilling water that I then have to clean up! Please order Emily to put the cap back on her bottle. The cap has a spout to be used for drinking its contents!

I think I know the precise style of water bottle you are talking about, and I hate those tippy jerks. I will order her to be more conscientious in her capping. But I refuse to recommend she drink sippy-cup-style. Buying elastic waistband pants for my late-pandemic body is as far as I want anyone to regress into infanthood. Also: Being a “clumsy fellow” isn’t your job, you know. As we would tell our own heedless kids when they knocked junk off tables: Yes, accidents happen — but have fewer of them.

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